You are on hold.............

"Our lines are currently busy at the moment. Please hold until an operator becomes available or alternatively please contact the customer support office on 0845 286 2839 where someone will be available to take your call. Please wait while I transfer you call. Thank you"

Apart from the the glaringly obvious grammatical error I was on hold for 58 minutes.

I fashioned a device:

Spider sighting!

It was late at night and the only light was the the glow of the laptop screen as I typed busily. Robyn sighed in her sleep nearby just as I finished a long email. I leaned back in my chair to relax. At that moment in my peripheral vision I saw something black on the wall. I raised my hand to brush it away but then realised to my horror that it was a huge spider.

Its leg span must have been 4 inches. I was jet black, with spindly, hairy legs and I could even see its jaws throbbing menacingly. I baulked and jumped a bit. Then, swiftly, I walked across the room and got the torch out of Robyn's wardrobe. I was determined to keep her blissfully ignorant of her worse domestic fear so I was quiet. I shone the torch on the spiders hugely grotesque form whilst I filmed/photographed it. But soon I realised that it would have to be evicted from the wall. My first worry was what to trap it with, Wine and beer glasses were simply not big enough. My second problem was the torch; it was dimming almost to nothing. Luckily it was a cranked kinetic flashlight so I wound it up. That awoke Robyn from her slumber.

"Don't move, there is a bloody great spider!" I barked at her. She froze. Then I had a brainwave for the entrapment- a Tupperware bowl. I ran to fetch the Tupperware bowl then came back into the room. I had lost the spiders location but I located it again with the flashlight. It was on the move and getting angry at me disturbing it. I needed a piece of paper- my UCAS letter would do.

Swiftly I clamped the bowl over the spider. It started thrashing and lurching; its futile escape millimeters from my fingers. As I slid the paper underneath the bowl its furious vibrations intensified. Finally the seal was complete. But I needed help. I instructed Robyn to unlock and then open the door. She willingly helped. She was still unaware of the sheer size of the arachnid in question. I got to the back door as quick as a flash I threw the bowl, the paper and the spider outside. Agonising seconds pasted but finally I plucked up the courage to investigate the bowl. It was gone. Its jet black body had scuttled into the blacker night............